Forgiveness

Doctrine and Covenants, section 64, verse 10 reads, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” I have pondered on the subject of forgiveness quite a bit these past few months. As I have prayed to forgive someone close to me, I have wondered what it means to forgive and how do I know if I’ve forgiven her. She and I don’t always see eye to eye, in fact, we rarely do, but I want to forgive her for the hurt she’s caused me because I love her and because my Savior commanded me to. I appreciate what James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen said in their book, “Creating Healthy ties with In-laws and Extended Families, “Forgiveness means you let go of consuming feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hatred.” Forgiveness occurs in my heart. As I let go of the hurtful feelings and allow my heart to heal, it will be filled with love and peace. That’s what forgiveness is all about. Letting go of the turmoil that can consume our minds and hearts and healing from the pain.

In the April 2007 General Conference, President Faust stated, “If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.” Forgiveness is for us, not for the person we are forgiving, but for us. It enables us to become more like our Savior Jesus Christ, as He forgave all around Him and loved all around Him. President Faust also states in that talk, “Let us remember that we need to forgive to be forgiven. In the words of one of my favorite hymns, “Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be e’en forgiven now by me.”(Reverently and Meekly Now,” Hymns, no. 185) With all my heart and soul, I believe in the healing power that can come to us as we follow the counsel of the Savior “to forgive all men.” (D&C 64:10)

“And at the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a command.” (President Henry B. Eyering in his talk, “That We May Be One” in April 1998 General Conference) He goes on to say that, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.” I’m so grateful for this promise and commandment. In today’s world, so many people are worried about what is equal and want everyone to be the same. I’m so thankful for The Family: A Proclamation to the World that states, “ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” Men and women are created equal and are both created in the image of our Heavenly Father. However, our roles are meant to be different and that’s wonderful. Men and women have different strengths and talents that are divine gifts from our Father in Heaven. In his book, “Counseling With our Councils,” Elder M. Russell Ballard states that, “Even though men and women are equal before God in their eternal opportunities, they do have different duties in His eternal plan-and yet these differing roles and duties are equally significant.”

Women are essential to the building of the Kingdom of God. We are important and we are needed. We have a job to do and we must put our shoulders to the wheel and do all we can to help proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ and administer to those in need.

Intimacy is an essential part of marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball stated, “Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.” Sean E. Brotherson, is his article, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage, gives this advice, “For those who may struggle with feelings or thoughts that the expression of sexual desires is unwholesome or shameful, notice how clearly President Lee teaches that such impulses are intended by God as a “holy impulse for a holy purpose,” indeed a divine purpose in marriage. That divine purpose, I believe, is to serve as a specific and powerful symbol of reunifying commitment and love between a husband and wife.”

We need to remember that sex is a part of our Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness, for procreation, as well as becoming unified as husband and wife. The connection that occurs helps to build the relationship between spouses that cannot occur any other way. To know your spouse in a way that no one else does and to serve them and show your love for them in this particular way is important to a marriage. In “A Parent’s Guide,” by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it states, “Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual need associated with this sacred act. They will be able to complement each other in the marriage relationship if they give tender, considerate attention to these needs of their partner. Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than to use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own passion.” Just as any other principle in marriage, selflessness is critical in sexual relations with your spouse.

Gridlocked

Being gridlocked, in a relationship, is when it feels like there is no solution. When the two people involved have such different views and opinions, that coming to a compromise seems impossible. In John M. Gottman, Ph.D.’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” he discusses solutions for couples who find themselves gridlocked and gives five steps to working through being gridlocked.

Step 1 is to “Become a dream detective.” Gottman states that, “... gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other.” Some examples could be that one person wants children and the other doesn’t, or the different ways each person in the relationship makes grilled cheese sandwiches. As a couple digs deeper into the conflict causing them to be gridlocked, they can discover the hidden dreams and realize the meaning behind their spouse’s behavior. One person in the relationship might be messy because they had strict rules when they were younger and now that they are an adult, they feel it’s freeing to not have to keep such a tidy bedroom. These dreams exist behind behaviors that cause these behaviors.

Step 2 is to “Work on a gridlocked marital issue.” Gottman says, “Choose a particular gridlocked conflict to work on. Then write an explanation of your position.” He warns couples to not criticize, bad-mouth or blame their spouse. “Explain where the dreams come from and why they are so meaningful to you.” Understanding each other’s feelings and the dreams behind the conflict is essential to working out a plan to overcome being gridlocked.

Step 3 is to “Soothe each other.” Step 4 is to “End the Gridlock.” Gottman suggests that, “Now it’s time to begin the ongoing task of making peace with this issue, accepting the differences between you, and establishing some kind of initial compromise that will help you continue to discuss the problem amicably.”

Step 5 is to “Say thank you.” By saying thank you, you are acknowledging and counting your blessings. It ends the discussion on a soft and healing note.

Communication is so important in a relationship and oftentimes, finding the underlying problem to a problem can be very beneficial. Figuring out what dream is behind certain behavior can help a person understand and appreciate their spouse so much more. I’m grateful for this teaching and knowledge.

President Ezra Taft Benson taught, “We covenant to live the law of consecration. This law is that we consecrate our time, talents, strength, property, and money for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God on this earth and the establishment of Zion.” In his book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, states, “The ultimate joy is to surrender completely to God. We turn everything over to Him and life gets inexpressibly good.” In our marriages, we must practice consecration. Goddard states that, “...ultimate sacrifice qualifies us for the ultimate reward. That ultimate reward is described in D&C 132:19, “thrones, kingdom, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths.” We will inherit all that our Father in Heaven has. As we practice the law of consecration in our marriages, we will “establish Zion in our homes.” (Goddard)

H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, also states that, “Consecration in marriage is not simply about receiving our entrance card to the Celestial Kingdom. It’s also about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably be living there, which requires a transformation of character.” We become more like our Savior, Jesus Christ, as we learn to put forth all our efforts into our marriages. As we put away the natural man and put our spouse’s needs above our own.

Too often, we feel that we aren’t being treated the way we’d like or aren’t getting what we want out of a situation. I know that any time my husband and I are in a disagreement, I tend to focus too much on why I am right and why he is wrong. When I am able to take a step back and realize the selfishness in my thoughts and actions, I am able to see both sides of the situation and better understand what he is feeling. It is then that I am able to use the right words to apologize and work things out with him. It is essential, in a marriage, to give all to help the marriage grow and develop. We cannot be constantly worrying about what’s in it for us, but lose ourselves in the service and love of our spouses. Our Heavenly Father will help us in this endeavor and He will also bless us as we strive to be Christ-like in our marriages. He will bless and strengthen our marriages as we focus our love, our time, and our talents on our spouses and marriages.

Alma 32:16 reads, “Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble.” President Benson, in a May 1989 Ensign article titled, “Beware of Pride,” stated, “God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble.” In his talk, President Benson gave the perfect definition of what it means to have pride. He states that, “The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’” He explains that, “Pride is essentially competitive in nature.” When we choose to put our own wills ahead of the Lord’s will, we are directing our pride toward God.

As we focus our attention on what others think of us, instead of what God thinks of us, we are consumed with pride. President Benson states that, “The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s.” Unfortunately, we see this a lot in the world today, especially in politics. Pride “manifest(s) in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.” Too often, when contention surrounds us, we are quick to blame the other person involved and not look at our own mistakes. President Benson warns us that, “Another face of pride is contention… Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away.” Proverbs 13:10 reads, “Only by pride cometh contention.” Those who are filled with pride are often easily offended or hold grudges. They do not receive counsel or correction easily and use defensiveness to justify and rationalize their failures. “They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.” To conquer pride, President Benson counsels us to, “...yield ‘to the enticings of the Holy Spirit,’ put off the prideful ‘natural man,’ become ‘a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord,’ and become ‘as a child, submissive, meek, humble.’” (Mosiah 3:19)

President Ezra Taft Benson's entire talk "Beware of Pride," can be found here: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride.p1?lang=eng

President Ezra Taft Benson taught us that “when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives. ‘ (May 1988 Ensign article, The Great Commandment – Love the Lord) This includes ourselves, we must love God more than we love ourselves. As we focus on our Savior and His commandments and do all we can to try to be like Him, our lives will be bless and we will find joy. We will be able to ‘count our many blessings” as we follow the counsel of our Savior and do as He would do. In our marriages, we should follow this same counsel. Our marriages will be blessed as “we put God first.” Jesus Christ put aside His own will to do the will of the Father. This reminds me of one of my favorite primary songs, "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus." One line of that song says, "In all that I do and say." We must strive to do as our Savior did and treat others as He would treat them, including our spouses.

H. Wallace Goddard, PhD states, “It takes faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to remove evil from our marriages and bring them to vibrant life.” Just as Jesus healed the son who had been inflicted by the unclean spirit, He can remove the evil from our lives as we rely on Him and invite Him into our lives. The Prophet Brigham Young counseled two sisters, each wanting a divorce, to see their husbands as they will be in the glorious resurrection. If we look at our marriages with eternal perspective, we’ll be able to see more clearly the potential our marriages have. Goddard states that “If we replace judgment and condemnation at each other with compassion and love, we not only find more peace, serenity, and tranquility but also become one smidgen more like God.” Our purpose in coming to this earth is to receive a body and to prove ourselves worthy. As we become more like our Father in Heaven, we will find that our lives are filled with happiness and not sorrow. We may not be able to enjoy all the promised blessings in this life, but they are promised and we will have them in the next life.

I’m grateful for my marriage and my husband and for all he does for me. Tonight, as my husband was leaving to go to mutual (he’s the deacon’s quorum advisor) he kissed me goodbye and said, “Thank you.” I asked him for what and he replied, “For being you.” My heart skipped a beat and even after 14 years of marriage, that man made my heart pitter patter. I’m grateful for the teachings of our Savior and even today through latter-day prophets.