Gridlocked

Being gridlocked, in a relationship, is when it feels like there is no solution. When the two people involved have such different views and opinions, that coming to a compromise seems impossible. In John M. Gottman, Ph.D.’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” he discusses solutions for couples who find themselves gridlocked and gives five steps to working through being gridlocked.

Step 1 is to “Become a dream detective.” Gottman states that, “... gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other.” Some examples could be that one person wants children and the other doesn’t, or the different ways each person in the relationship makes grilled cheese sandwiches. As a couple digs deeper into the conflict causing them to be gridlocked, they can discover the hidden dreams and realize the meaning behind their spouse’s behavior. One person in the relationship might be messy because they had strict rules when they were younger and now that they are an adult, they feel it’s freeing to not have to keep such a tidy bedroom. These dreams exist behind behaviors that cause these behaviors.

Step 2 is to “Work on a gridlocked marital issue.” Gottman says, “Choose a particular gridlocked conflict to work on. Then write an explanation of your position.” He warns couples to not criticize, bad-mouth or blame their spouse. “Explain where the dreams come from and why they are so meaningful to you.” Understanding each other’s feelings and the dreams behind the conflict is essential to working out a plan to overcome being gridlocked.

Step 3 is to “Soothe each other.” Step 4 is to “End the Gridlock.” Gottman suggests that, “Now it’s time to begin the ongoing task of making peace with this issue, accepting the differences between you, and establishing some kind of initial compromise that will help you continue to discuss the problem amicably.”

Step 5 is to “Say thank you.” By saying thank you, you are acknowledging and counting your blessings. It ends the discussion on a soft and healing note.

Communication is so important in a relationship and oftentimes, finding the underlying problem to a problem can be very beneficial. Figuring out what dream is behind certain behavior can help a person understand and appreciate their spouse so much more. I’m grateful for this teaching and knowledge.