Forgiveness

Doctrine and Covenants, section 64, verse 10 reads, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” I have pondered on the subject of forgiveness quite a bit these past few months. As I have prayed to forgive someone close to me, I have wondered what it means to forgive and how do I know if I’ve forgiven her. She and I don’t always see eye to eye, in fact, we rarely do, but I want to forgive her for the hurt she’s caused me because I love her and because my Savior commanded me to. I appreciate what James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen said in their book, “Creating Healthy ties with In-laws and Extended Families, “Forgiveness means you let go of consuming feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hatred.” Forgiveness occurs in my heart. As I let go of the hurtful feelings and allow my heart to heal, it will be filled with love and peace. That’s what forgiveness is all about. Letting go of the turmoil that can consume our minds and hearts and healing from the pain.

In the April 2007 General Conference, President Faust stated, “If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.” Forgiveness is for us, not for the person we are forgiving, but for us. It enables us to become more like our Savior Jesus Christ, as He forgave all around Him and loved all around Him. President Faust also states in that talk, “Let us remember that we need to forgive to be forgiven. In the words of one of my favorite hymns, “Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be e’en forgiven now by me.”(Reverently and Meekly Now,” Hymns, no. 185) With all my heart and soul, I believe in the healing power that can come to us as we follow the counsel of the Savior “to forgive all men.” (D&C 64:10)

“And at the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a command.” (President Henry B. Eyering in his talk, “That We May Be One” in April 1998 General Conference) He goes on to say that, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.” I’m so grateful for this promise and commandment. In today’s world, so many people are worried about what is equal and want everyone to be the same. I’m so thankful for The Family: A Proclamation to the World that states, “ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” Men and women are created equal and are both created in the image of our Heavenly Father. However, our roles are meant to be different and that’s wonderful. Men and women have different strengths and talents that are divine gifts from our Father in Heaven. In his book, “Counseling With our Councils,” Elder M. Russell Ballard states that, “Even though men and women are equal before God in their eternal opportunities, they do have different duties in His eternal plan-and yet these differing roles and duties are equally significant.”

Women are essential to the building of the Kingdom of God. We are important and we are needed. We have a job to do and we must put our shoulders to the wheel and do all we can to help proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ and administer to those in need.

Intimacy is an essential part of marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball stated, “Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.” Sean E. Brotherson, is his article, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage, gives this advice, “For those who may struggle with feelings or thoughts that the expression of sexual desires is unwholesome or shameful, notice how clearly President Lee teaches that such impulses are intended by God as a “holy impulse for a holy purpose,” indeed a divine purpose in marriage. That divine purpose, I believe, is to serve as a specific and powerful symbol of reunifying commitment and love between a husband and wife.”

We need to remember that sex is a part of our Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness, for procreation, as well as becoming unified as husband and wife. The connection that occurs helps to build the relationship between spouses that cannot occur any other way. To know your spouse in a way that no one else does and to serve them and show your love for them in this particular way is important to a marriage. In “A Parent’s Guide,” by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it states, “Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual need associated with this sacred act. They will be able to complement each other in the marriage relationship if they give tender, considerate attention to these needs of their partner. Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than to use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own passion.” Just as any other principle in marriage, selflessness is critical in sexual relations with your spouse.

Gridlocked

Being gridlocked, in a relationship, is when it feels like there is no solution. When the two people involved have such different views and opinions, that coming to a compromise seems impossible. In John M. Gottman, Ph.D.’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” he discusses solutions for couples who find themselves gridlocked and gives five steps to working through being gridlocked.

Step 1 is to “Become a dream detective.” Gottman states that, “... gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other.” Some examples could be that one person wants children and the other doesn’t, or the different ways each person in the relationship makes grilled cheese sandwiches. As a couple digs deeper into the conflict causing them to be gridlocked, they can discover the hidden dreams and realize the meaning behind their spouse’s behavior. One person in the relationship might be messy because they had strict rules when they were younger and now that they are an adult, they feel it’s freeing to not have to keep such a tidy bedroom. These dreams exist behind behaviors that cause these behaviors.

Step 2 is to “Work on a gridlocked marital issue.” Gottman says, “Choose a particular gridlocked conflict to work on. Then write an explanation of your position.” He warns couples to not criticize, bad-mouth or blame their spouse. “Explain where the dreams come from and why they are so meaningful to you.” Understanding each other’s feelings and the dreams behind the conflict is essential to working out a plan to overcome being gridlocked.

Step 3 is to “Soothe each other.” Step 4 is to “End the Gridlock.” Gottman suggests that, “Now it’s time to begin the ongoing task of making peace with this issue, accepting the differences between you, and establishing some kind of initial compromise that will help you continue to discuss the problem amicably.”

Step 5 is to “Say thank you.” By saying thank you, you are acknowledging and counting your blessings. It ends the discussion on a soft and healing note.

Communication is so important in a relationship and oftentimes, finding the underlying problem to a problem can be very beneficial. Figuring out what dream is behind certain behavior can help a person understand and appreciate their spouse so much more. I’m grateful for this teaching and knowledge.

President Ezra Taft Benson taught, “We covenant to live the law of consecration. This law is that we consecrate our time, talents, strength, property, and money for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God on this earth and the establishment of Zion.” In his book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, states, “The ultimate joy is to surrender completely to God. We turn everything over to Him and life gets inexpressibly good.” In our marriages, we must practice consecration. Goddard states that, “...ultimate sacrifice qualifies us for the ultimate reward. That ultimate reward is described in D&C 132:19, “thrones, kingdom, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths.” We will inherit all that our Father in Heaven has. As we practice the law of consecration in our marriages, we will “establish Zion in our homes.” (Goddard)

H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, also states that, “Consecration in marriage is not simply about receiving our entrance card to the Celestial Kingdom. It’s also about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably be living there, which requires a transformation of character.” We become more like our Savior, Jesus Christ, as we learn to put forth all our efforts into our marriages. As we put away the natural man and put our spouse’s needs above our own.

Too often, we feel that we aren’t being treated the way we’d like or aren’t getting what we want out of a situation. I know that any time my husband and I are in a disagreement, I tend to focus too much on why I am right and why he is wrong. When I am able to take a step back and realize the selfishness in my thoughts and actions, I am able to see both sides of the situation and better understand what he is feeling. It is then that I am able to use the right words to apologize and work things out with him. It is essential, in a marriage, to give all to help the marriage grow and develop. We cannot be constantly worrying about what’s in it for us, but lose ourselves in the service and love of our spouses. Our Heavenly Father will help us in this endeavor and He will also bless us as we strive to be Christ-like in our marriages. He will bless and strengthen our marriages as we focus our love, our time, and our talents on our spouses and marriages.

Alma 32:16 reads, “Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble.” President Benson, in a May 1989 Ensign article titled, “Beware of Pride,” stated, “God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble.” In his talk, President Benson gave the perfect definition of what it means to have pride. He states that, “The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’” He explains that, “Pride is essentially competitive in nature.” When we choose to put our own wills ahead of the Lord’s will, we are directing our pride toward God.

As we focus our attention on what others think of us, instead of what God thinks of us, we are consumed with pride. President Benson states that, “The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s.” Unfortunately, we see this a lot in the world today, especially in politics. Pride “manifest(s) in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.” Too often, when contention surrounds us, we are quick to blame the other person involved and not look at our own mistakes. President Benson warns us that, “Another face of pride is contention… Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away.” Proverbs 13:10 reads, “Only by pride cometh contention.” Those who are filled with pride are often easily offended or hold grudges. They do not receive counsel or correction easily and use defensiveness to justify and rationalize their failures. “They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.” To conquer pride, President Benson counsels us to, “...yield ‘to the enticings of the Holy Spirit,’ put off the prideful ‘natural man,’ become ‘a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord,’ and become ‘as a child, submissive, meek, humble.’” (Mosiah 3:19)

President Ezra Taft Benson's entire talk "Beware of Pride," can be found here: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride.p1?lang=eng

President Ezra Taft Benson taught us that “when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives. ‘ (May 1988 Ensign article, The Great Commandment – Love the Lord) This includes ourselves, we must love God more than we love ourselves. As we focus on our Savior and His commandments and do all we can to try to be like Him, our lives will be bless and we will find joy. We will be able to ‘count our many blessings” as we follow the counsel of our Savior and do as He would do. In our marriages, we should follow this same counsel. Our marriages will be blessed as “we put God first.” Jesus Christ put aside His own will to do the will of the Father. This reminds me of one of my favorite primary songs, "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus." One line of that song says, "In all that I do and say." We must strive to do as our Savior did and treat others as He would treat them, including our spouses.

H. Wallace Goddard, PhD states, “It takes faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to remove evil from our marriages and bring them to vibrant life.” Just as Jesus healed the son who had been inflicted by the unclean spirit, He can remove the evil from our lives as we rely on Him and invite Him into our lives. The Prophet Brigham Young counseled two sisters, each wanting a divorce, to see their husbands as they will be in the glorious resurrection. If we look at our marriages with eternal perspective, we’ll be able to see more clearly the potential our marriages have. Goddard states that “If we replace judgment and condemnation at each other with compassion and love, we not only find more peace, serenity, and tranquility but also become one smidgen more like God.” Our purpose in coming to this earth is to receive a body and to prove ourselves worthy. As we become more like our Father in Heaven, we will find that our lives are filled with happiness and not sorrow. We may not be able to enjoy all the promised blessings in this life, but they are promised and we will have them in the next life.

I’m grateful for my marriage and my husband and for all he does for me. Tonight, as my husband was leaving to go to mutual (he’s the deacon’s quorum advisor) he kissed me goodbye and said, “Thank you.” I asked him for what and he replied, “For being you.” My heart skipped a beat and even after 14 years of marriage, that man made my heart pitter patter. I’m grateful for the teachings of our Savior and even today through latter-day prophets.

President Joseph Fielding Smith wrote that “if all mankind would live in strict obedience to the gospel, and in that love which is begotten by the Spirit of the Lord, all marriages would be eternal; divorce would be unknown. Divorce is not part of the gospel plan and has been introduced because of the hardness of heart and unbelief of the people... There never could be a divorce in this Church if the husband and wife were keeping the commandments of God.” Marriage is not easy, which is why H. Wallace Goddard, PhD refers to marriage as “God’s finishing school,” in his book titled, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.” Marriage requires sacrifice. Sacrifices that can sometimes feel uneven or unfair. However, I love the way Goddard states that, “We ‘sacrifice’ our puny preferences and God rewards us with eternal joy.”

This reminds me of Sister Reeves’ talk titled “Worthy of our Promised Blessings,” in October 2015 General Conference. She stated that “many have expressed that our Father’s promised blessings are just “way too far away,” particularly when our lives are overflowing with challenges. But Amulek taught that “this life is the time … to prepare to meet God. (Alma 34:32.)” It is not the time to receive all of our blessings.” She goes on to say, “I do not know why we have the many trials that we have, but it is my personal feeling that the reward is so great, so eternal and everlasting, so joyful and beyond our understanding that in that day of reward, we may feel to say to our merciful, loving Father, “Was that all that was required?” We can’t fully comprehend the blessings that our Heavenly Father has in store for us in the next life. However, we can get a small taste of those joyful blessings as we live the commandments and count our blessings that surround us. We can feel the love of our Heavenly Father and feel the power of the Holy Ghost bless and comfort us in times of trials and heartache. What a blessing that is for us! "Forget yourself and go to work,” as President Hinckley's father has reminded us, our lives and our marriages will be blessed.

Love the Lord, yourself, and your spouse

I am loving the book titled, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD. I love how simply he reminds us that to have success in our marriages, we need to become more like our Savior. I truly appreciated the counsel he gave to the woman who was no longer attracted to her husband. The Spirit prompted him to tell her that, “The Atonement of Jesus Christ was the answer. Because of His goodness, we are reconciled to God. When we are reconciled to God, we are reconciled to each other. His goodness makes us one.” This reminds me of my brother’s wedding. During the ceremony, their Bishop talked about a triangle that is involved in a marriage with three points. On those three points are the husband, the wife, and the Savior. All three should be equally involved in the marriage. As the husband and the wife grow closer to the Savior, they also grow closer to each other and their marriage is unified. I have always appreciated this counsel and have made couples prayer a priority. Goddard states that, “the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person.” As long as we are staying true to our covenants and doing all we can to keep His commandments, we will be blessed. “The Gospel of Jesus Christ – that great plan of happiness – provides the solutions for our humanness.” Our Heavenly Father wants to be involved in our lives and wants to bless us. He wants to help us in all aspects of our lives, including the small, silly problems that we think He may not want to be involved with. He loves us and is our Father, of course He wants to be included in every aspect of our lives. Jesus proclaimed, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbor as thyself (Luke 10:27).” It’s as simple as that. If we love our God, we will want to follow His commandments, and our lives will be blessed. For a Relief Society meeting, we had a family counselor come to share some marital advice with us. She taught about this scripture and I’ll never forget the lesson. She shared the order in which we are to love. First, we love the Lord. Later in that scripture it reads, “thy neighbor as thyself.” She explained that we must love ourselves second, and our neighbor (or our spouses) third. We have to love ourselves in order to love and show love to others. That doesn’t mean be selfish, it means to love ourselves. We are children of our Heavenly Father, He loves us, we should also love us. To think negative thoughts about ourselves is to think negative thoughts about one of God’s creations. I had never thought of it that way and it really touched my heart. I also loved this statement by Goddard, “The Gospel of Jesus Christ – that great plan of happiness – provides the solutions for our humanness.” Also, “I believe the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person.” Whenever I am irritated with my husband, when I take a step back and think about what is really bothering me, I realize that I am usually being selfish. Maybe I expected something from him that he didn’t do exactly the way I wanted, or oftentimes, I expected him to read my mind, which is impossible. I believe Goddard’s wards, that if we strive to live the plan of happiness and be “healthy, saintly, God-seeking person,” our lives and our relationships will be blessed.

“When our Heavenly Father placed Adam and Eve on this earth, He did so with the purpose in mind of teaching them how to return to His presence. Our Father promised a Savior to redeem them from their fallen condition. He gave to them the plan of salvation and told them to teach their children faith in Jesus Christ and repentance. Further, Adam and his posterity were commanded by God to be baptized, to receive the Holy Ghost, and to enter into the order of the Son of God.” (President Ezra Taft Benson, April 1986 Liahona) What a wonderful blessing, to have been put on this Earth in families to help us learn and grow together in the gospel. After Adam and Eve partook of the fruit, then learned that our Father in Heaven would provide a Savior for mankind, they must have rejoiced; rejoiced in the knowledge that they can repent and be forgiven of their sins. I am grateful for this promise and blessing as well. I am not perfect, in fact I sin daily, but the Atonement provides a way for me to repent and be made clean again. This blessing enables me to return to live with my Heavenly Father, and my family which has been sealed to me on this Earth, again. I am grateful for President Joseph Fielding Smith’s appreciation and love for women. I know that our Heavenly Father holds a special place in his hearts for his daughters and that we are not left out of the church in these latter days. I am grateful for his reminder, “I think we all know that the blessings of the priesthood are not confined to men alone. These blessings are also poured out upon our wives and daughters and upon all the faithful women of the Church. These good sisters can prepare themselves, by keeping the commandments and by serving in the Church, for the blessings of the house of the Lord. The Lord offers to his daughters every spiritual gift and blessing that can be obtained by his sons, for neither is the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man in the Lord.” (President Joseph Fielding Smith, Improvement Era, June 1970, pp. 65-66) I love being a woman and I love being a mother. I have a sacred responsibility, along with my husband, to raise my children in righteousness. It is my duty to raise my boys to love the Lord and to show them, by my example, that joy comes from obedience to His commandments. I love the Lord and I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. My life is blessed daily as I strive to grow closer to Him through prayer and scripture study.

Tolerance

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, is someone I have really come to look forward to hearing from at General Conference. In “The Divine Institution of Marriage,” a Mormon Newsroom article, I appreciated this definition he gave of tolerance, "Tolerance does not require abandoning one's standards or one's opinions on political or public policy choices. Tolerance is a way of reacting to diversity, not a command to insulate it from examination." This topic is something I’ve pondered on quite a bit recently, and I really loved his words. I can be tolerant of others and still stand up for what I know to be right. I always think of the Savior and love the words of the primary song that states, “Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too.” I want to be like my Savior and love everyone, treat them kindly, but I always want to stand up for what I know is right, just as our Savior did. He loved the sinner but did not condone the sin. While the, “Church unequivocally affirms that marriage should remain the lawful union of a man and a woman,” (The Divine Institution of Marriage, page 6) that doesn’t mean that I should shun those who engage in same-gender relationships. I can treat them kindly and show love to them. As the National Review article, “Marriage: Where Do We Go From Here?” article states, “We must continue to witness to the truth about marriage;” Page 2, of that article, states, and “... those who defend marriage as the union of a man and a woman will prove to be prophetic.” However, we can “defend marriage as the union of a man and a woman” without being rude or mean. The Divine Institution of Marriage article states, “The Church’s affirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman “neither constitutes nor condones any kind of hostility toward gays and lesbians.” We must remember the commandment to “Love One another,” and treat our brothers and sisters with kindness, love, and compassion. (http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-responds-to-same-sex-marriage-votes) In a National Review article titled, “Marriage: Where Do We Go From Here?” Ryan T. Anderson states, “Whatever happens, it is essential to take the long view, and to be ready to bear witness to the truth even if law and culture grow increasingly hostile.” As the world gets more and more wicked and angry, we must be cautious to not allow ourselves to become angry. We must hold firm to the iron rod and be Christ-like in all things. We mustn’t be hostile to those around us who feel differently than we do.